So I’ve been doing exactly what you told me not too. The past few weeks I haven’t fully engaged in life, and maybe I haven’t ever since the day you passed away, if I’m honest. The best way I can describe it is I’m skimming along the surface, not 100% present in any activity that I’m doing. I’ve had the same issue of “not being able to engage” when i try to dream about you as well. That has never happened any time in my life before…. I wonder what you would say about that…… My gut tells me you would say that “I’m not processing and accepting the situation. Not processing your passing”. I think that’s pretty accurate because if I sit alone and think about it, or write any thoughts about you it doesn’t take long before I tear up…..My work ethic has also suffered quite a bit lately, I find myself thinking about your advice for work very often. Sometimes It feels like what I should do, like what I need to do to enjoy life more….. I’ll keep thinking about that. It would be such a big change….
Anyway we had a big party tonight, definitely missed you. I think Steve really liked Ellen’s parents, pretty sure you would really have liked them too…. Hopefully I’ll see you at our next monthly meeting.
3 replies on “FLoating”
Try writing about jan as a way to help you start processing her loss and your grief. I had a dream once, just after my grandma died freshman year of high school. In the dream I bumped into her in this gift shop and she looked so healthy and well. I remember asking her if she was better and she just reached over to this shelf and pulled a journal off and handed it to me and said “be sure to write it all down.” When I woke up that is what I did; all of my memories of her and her house, her laugh, the stories she told me. Somehow it helped and it might help you too. To process and to maybe uncover a memory you want to share with her family. You might stop floating if you have something to hold on to.
Oh Sammy!
You write so well and articulate your emotions so nicely. I identify exactly with how you are feeling. I know that I am not my best self right now. I put off things at work, simply because I need a break. I sit around, not being able to share, to ask, or just speak with her. Yes, the tears still come, as they are right now. Everyday, almost every hour, there is something that causes me to stop and grieve. I received a card from a customer, that said if we continue to tell her stories, then she will continue to live within us. I like that. It gives me an excuse to talk about her. Yet, sometimes I stop, because I don’t want other people to feel that grief, so I don’t say much.
Just remember for yourself, that grief is an emotion, just like love. We should celebrate the grief, because we celebrated the love. I wish I could speak for Jan in giving advice. But I do think that she might say “don’t worry about having to live your life fully right at this moment. Just keep the intention there, each and every day and hour. It will come. Just keep the intention!”
Thank you Sam for letting me read and dialogue with you. Please keep up the writing. I think you will find, as I do, that it does help! And, if you are looking for a way to help your Mom (and don’t forget about Malory), just talk to them. Ask them how you can help, explaining that Jan sent you!
Steve
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