A very good friend that has known me since I was five years old recently sent me a book in the mail that she said I would love. It’s entire premise was to fly in the face of common lore, that your twenties are a mess and fun and to be taken on with the spirit of adventure and little planning. It said your twenties are your “Defining Decade” and they really do matter. That kind of drew me in. Maybe all my freaking out and feeling like my lack of ambition at a job I don’t love and my mess of a personal/dating life would be validated in this book…that it is a process and it’s right to panic and soul search.
Mostly, though, this book just pissed me off. **Note to self – if a friend is having a little bit of a quarter-life reflection and isn’t sure about some crucial next steps; don’t give her a book that describes how at 27, she’s only got 2 more years to make a life before it’s over**. I sat in the airport reading this book and laughed out loud at some of the absurd undertones I was picking up on – dating casually is horrible, settling is worse, getting married young is not only needed it’s the better route to take, etc. the author has a PhD so she wasn’t overtly stating such nonsense but it was in there somehow, in between the lines and behind the research.
Maybe this book pissed me off so much because it was taking my worst fears and throwing them in my face. That I was seeing myself in the composite of clients this author (also therapist) presented – that I was lazy and underachieving and settling when I want more, but feel frozen by indecision. The point the author was trying to make- I think -is that we need to make decisions now and not wait until tomorrow. However her delivery was all kinds of wrong.
The therapist side of me got all worked up about what she claims she said to clients in session. Statements were apparently made to men and women in their mid-twenties, who were confused and sometimes/often crying, like, “I can’t sit here and talk about your past when I can see your future is in trouble.” If my therapist said that to me I would walk out. Hello?!?! I am obviously here because I have some shit to work on and I am not happy in my current situation. It’s your job as the therapist to listen, to WHATEVER the client wants to talk about and use your skills to get them to come to conclusions about their own life and the next steps they need to take. FYI, telling a client something like that is just a no go in ordinary therapy – unless the clients have asked you to be harsh and judgmental.
To complete my book review/rant I will say that I do appreciate the author’s desire to light a fire under people. I just wish though she would have appeased the masses and masses who may, say pick this book up at 27 and think “Cool, what can this tell me about making the last few years in my 20’s great”. She should have written her point of view perhaps with less pressure on the deadline of 30 (!!!) and more pressure on the call to action. Inspire the people instead of freak them the fuck out.
